So I feel like I write a lot about my personal feelings that are going on inside and not as many “profound” things as I thought I would. I guess that is just the woman inside of me coming out. The intellect needs a break and this is the break.
First, I would like to comment on how proud I am of myself. Saturday, I was looking for some hair things that I had left at home after I cut all my hair off and since it is getting longer and will need them soon. As I was looking for my stuff I came across a picture frame upside down. As soon as I saw it I knew what it was. It was a picture frame with Andrew in it. With out a thought. I opened up the frame. Took the picture out and threw it away. Who needs a large picture of an ex boyfriend in your favorite suit. I have plenty of more casual pictures to remember the relationship by. I have no need for such a large in your face picture. I have two pictures of us together on my cork board (along with pictures of me with other ex’s). I have enough reminders.
Now this “strange feelin’ inside” that the title of my post is named after… I don’t really know how to explain it for one. I am greatly interested in a man that I go to school with. Nothing much is happening there. He is just way to busy. He barely has time to hang out as friends so it makes since. No matter my interest it is just not a plausible relationship at the moment and I don’t even know if he is interested in me. But besides that guy, I have recently started talking to an ex-boyfriend (obviously not Andrew since he is engaged). And not talking in the sense of we are thinking about dating but just literally talking. Well more texting and facebook messaging. When I moved to Hallsville/Longview he went to church with me. We became friends pretty quickly. As we have been talking (nearly daily) I remember why I dated him in the first place. He is funny, has a quick wit (sometimes too quick), extremely intelligent, great Christian, fun to talk to about both serious and flippant things.
It saddens me though that he isn’t happy here in Texas or it seems up at school in Chicago. I want him to be happy. He is the type of person that can and should contribute greatly to society, but his completely cynical world view might just get in his way. I too am a cynic for the most part, but I feel like I make the best out of the world and turn my situations into happy or at least content situations. I know I am not with him physically so I probably am not seeing the whole picture and I only see the sad side of everything, but it is still saddening to think that he might be that sad.
There is this part of me that really wants to be with him again. I want him to come back to Texas and take one of the jobs he has been offered, but I know he doesn’t like Texas…Another part of me thinks this is the scariest thoughts I have ever had. 1. He lives super far away. How could we start a healthy relationship when we haven’t physically seen each other since August. 2. How could we start another relationship when over the past 5 years we have had such up and downs in our friendship. Its only been pretty consistent for a year and even that has mostly been through internet and texting means. 3. What if the things that bothered me back then are still there. I won’t know till he comes back here or I go to where he is and then that would be awful. 4. I know my parents didn’t see him as someone I should marry and I’m afraid if we did date again than I would have to deal with disapproving parents.
This particular man got back to town today. I will see him tomorrow when our group of friends goes and sees Les Miserables/hangs out together. I pray that it won’t be awkward and that I might get some answers of sorts. I’m just not sure what to do. I don’t know if I can talk to him with out it being awkward since I’m having these strange feelings. Tonight when he told me he might be able to hang out after the movie I really wanted to say something like “but I really want to actually get to talk to you not just through text”, but after I wrote it I chickened out and deleted and made it a broad statement about being social with his friends when I really want him to talk to me.
Gosh this is confusing.
On another note. We had a white Christmas in Northeast Texas. We have about 1-2 inches on the ground right now. We actually are having to postpone our Arkansas trip because the roads aren’t supposed to be good up there and their snow accumulation might get up to 10 inches. We are waiting till Thursday to go up there and back pack.
Praising God for sending His Son- ED