Well 5 out of 8 semesters are finished. I only know one official grade at this point. I know my exam grade for Reactor Theory and right now I’m sitting at a B (we had a retake test that she hasn’t put up our new grades too). What is great about this is that I was only shooting for a C after my awful (57) on my first test and I pulled out at least a B! Stats I’ll get a B or A. I got an A in Radiation Safety (easiest class I’ve ever taken). I hope that I get an A in thermodynamics but I’m betting it’ll be a B… Maybe a C if I did really poorly on the final but I only needed a 54 to make a B so I really doubt that I did worse than that. And I don’t really want to talk about physiology… That class makes me hate school and learning. Its impossible. I study so hard and fail the tests. I don’t understand the purpose of doing that to students. But the stress of this semester is over and done.

Personal life… I’m not sure if I have one as sad as that sounds. As a student in engineering it is really difficult to get out especially when the people you talk to are also engineers. It makes it EVEN harder when you are a women in a “man’s world”. The realist in me tells me that I’m going to be that women that once I get a career/go to graduate school someone will show an interest in me. Only thing is I just want this one man to show interest in me now! I don’t know what it is. I feel like I am attractive, smart, interesting… What else does a guy want? Am I too intimidating because I am so smart? Mom tells me its because I’m “too serious”. I am not too serious.. I just look serious. I got this absolutely lovely content face from my father… We both look pissed off just sitting there. Maybe that is off putting, but I think I’m pretty hysterical. I’m outgoing. Way more than I ever have been. I want to talk to people and interact. I never wanted to interact with people in high school. i had my little group of extreme smarty pants people and my best, Kathryn and those were the only people I wanted to talk to. I avoided new people. Now I want to talk to people. I don’t just stick to the same ol’ same ol’ people. I just don’t get it. I mean when it comes to guys I’m not just throwing myself at them. I don’t want to be like that. I try to give hints, but I don’t want to be overt. That’s not me. I know that the guy I’m interested in is busy all the time so maybe he doesn’t want to express interest since he is so busy, but I just want to hang out and go to movies and sit and talk. I don’t really want a boyfriend. I’m not ready for a boyfriend (I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready again), but I can’t know if I don’t get out there and try to get to know a guy. He tells me that he wants to hang out and something always changes. The one time it didn’t fall through we talked for 4 hours! I thought after that he would want to hang out with me more after that. But whatever guys are stupid and sometimes I feel like they are more flighty and flippant than most girls. I know what I want. I just can’t seem to get it my way. I guess maybe I should be doing it more God’s way, but besides waiting for His timing I don’t know what to do. How do you just sit around doing nothing when everytime you see that guy you get butterflies. You get a text message and you get a lump in your throat or your stomach does a summersault. How does one wait when all that is happening? My heart has been crushed 1 too many times for me to get my hopes up about any of this.

I guess if you have been reading any of my posts you don’t know about my heart break history. I guess this might be a good moment to reminisce about my past since I’m feeling so emotional today. So lets start from the beginning.

Boyfriend #1: Ethan

Well I consider this my first real relationship. There was one guy before, but it doesn’t really count in the big picture of my life. Ethan and I started “liking” one another summer before my freshman year, his sophomore year. We didn’t become a couple until May of my freshman year. We worked well until we both started maturing more come the fall. We also had this little issue of his parents not wanting us to go on dates by ourselves, but more of court. I was okay with that while I wasn’t allowed to do that, but when my parents told me that if we wanted to we could go on dates, I really wanted to get to that next level. I didn’t feel like Ethan really wanted to, let alone his parents. He was happy seeing me on Sundays and Wednesdays (we only went to church together). I was not satisfied with that. i guess you could say in dating I wanted to be more mature for my age. Ethan also didn’t seem interested in my life outside of church. I was in Jazz band, marching band, debate and swimming. I had competitions, performance and etc. I invited him to everything that I could. I only remember him going to 1 swim meet and 1 football game. So no matter how much I liked him, I got so frustrated with him and we ended up fighting and I broke up with him. At this point, 5 years, later we have a decent relationship. We talk, but sometimes it is strained and I’m not sure of his feelings for me. I hope staying in touch with him isn’t hurting him in anyway. i wouldn’t want that at all because I have never stopped caring about him. I really want him to be happy.

Boyfriend #2: Andrew

Well this one might take awhile… Andrew and I were “Jr. High Sweethearts”. He was always that guy that I could see myself with. Come the Summer before Junior year we got together for real. We were together for just over 2 years. I fell in love. I compromised some of my morals for him. And I got my heart mashed into a thousand itty bitty pieces. Yay! We got too serious too fast (Mistake #1). We compromised morals (Mistake #2). We tried to get help too late (Mistake #3). We said “I love you”… He took it back and stayed with me another ~10 months (Mistake #4). I tried to make him love me, therefore compromising my morals a little bit more (Mistake #5). I became slightly codependent (Mistake #6). So to the end… It ended in the worst way I could ever imagine. July 4, 2010. Its the first time I got to see Andrew after him being gone teaching at a debate camp. We are sitting on his couch and he wants to show me a file that they wrote while at camp. We he minimized it a .doc popped up with pros and cons of dating me. One con sticks out to me this day. “toxic relationship”. We both got up without speaking and went outside. I don’t know how long it was but it felt like an eternity, but after much hysterical crying. I was being driven home by my ex-boyfriend. I don’t remember if he said good bye or what happened when we got to my house. I just know I have never felt pain like that before and I pray to God I never do again.

I went off to college a depressed, mess. God brought great people into my life. Some I still talk to some, I don’t. I got a better relationship with Him, but even with that. I cried myself to sleep every night for at least 6 months and regularly until the end of my freshman year. I developed extremely bad test anxiety. I’m not sure when I hit the angry stage, but it happened. Oh and somewhere in there Andrew started dating a new girl (who he is now engaged to)  Enter boyfriend #3

BoyFriend #3: Chantry

This was just a dumb decision on my part. He was two years younger than me, a subordinate at work, and very immature. Long story short. I dated him because I was flattered that someone was interested in me and I really wanted to get out of my rut that I was in. Yeah, dating a guy for fun when you are a date to marry kind of person doesn’t work. 7 months later I was frustrated with his lack of trying (long distance doesn’t work if one of you is emotionally immature) and I broke up with him. He got a girlfriend about 2 weeks later…

Within this frustration, I had a fling. I didn’t want it to be a fling, but this guy I was really interested played me. Told me what I wanted to hear so I stayed a “make out buddy”, thinking we would become couple one day in the near future. Yeah, that hurt pretty bad too. This is just a short story of it. Essentially I got played. We tried to stay friends, but he always had physical things on his mind. I told him in August 2012 I wasn’t comfortable by myself with him anymore so I wanted to do things in groups. He got made at me and stopped talking to me. 3 months later he expected me to still want to be his friend. I cut him out. Thanks, Kyle for adding one more thing to make me not trust people with my heart.

Back to The spring 2012 and Andrew… (See I am a mess). I’m still mad at Andrew. Kind of indifferent at this point. I want absolutely nothing to do with him anymore. I used to want to still try to be friends with him, but my spring 2012 I wanted nothing to do with him. Then one morning at the hospital ( I volunteer) I get a text message from him about how we need to talk and work out our problems. He tried to explain why he hadn’t talked to me (because he didn’t want to lead me on… because of course, I forgot I’m supposed to still be in love with him over a year and a half later). But somehow it got better… I’m not sure how. God, maybe. Maybe God was tired of Andrew and I playing the “who can ignore the other one the most”. 

Andrew and I are much better. We talk and text some. We hang out with our friends from high school together. Its still a little strained, but I think that it might always be a little weird. I’m glad that we became friends, even if it is a little strained at times. Even with our new found relationship thinking about the pain I went through still makes me cry. It hurts to remember the pain.

So I have had one guy crush my heart in to thousand pieces and one guy use me. The part that hurts the most is when I realize that I have shut all the doors into my heart. I want to open them, but don’t know how. Maybe that’s what guys see. Even though I am fun and out going they see that my guard is up. I’m not sure having my guard up is a bad thing. I can’t get hurt…but I can’t find love either.

Well this was a little longer than I meant it to be. I guess I’m a little emotional because of natural things, I’m home alone (and feel alone in general), and the stress of finals and all. So well I guess I just spilled the majority of my guts out to the cyber world. Please I hope you enjoyed reading my pain and female angst. I’m not normally like this but I think this has been bottled up for a little too long.

“Let go of what you think you know”

“In order to be, you must do. All great things start from that one adventure, that one dream, that one idea, that one step. To adventure is to find yourself whole. To adventure is to have a story at the end of all of this. The places you se, the things you make and the people you meet, will fuel you forever. Choose to see beauty and strive for greatness where other see none…”


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